Dear old guy at the gym…Why are you ALWAYS naked?

So I have noticed a trend.  It’s difficult to ignore, no matter how hard I try.  It happens regardless of what hour or day it is.  Each and every time I walk into the locker room at the gym, my eyes are assaulted by you, old naked guy, within 5 seconds.  I have tried everything….tunnel vision, you get in my line of sight.  Head down, you get in my way.  Walk slow and stealth-like, you will sneak up on me.  Fast walk down the main corridor,  you will step out of nowhere and I have to spin move my way around you.  Ipod in and mean face on, you will try to make small talk with me.  And you’re naked.  And I’m sick of it.

What’s the deal, man?  It’s a big gym.  It has a big locker room.  It is actually a pretty long walk from the lockers to the showers.  Is wrapping a towel around your waist during your journey from locker to shower and back too much to ask?  And why do you do so much stuff in the locker room anyway?  Shave?  I mean it was 6pm on a Thursday.  Where are you going directly from the gym that you needed a fresh shave?  You’re like 70 years old, dude.  And why do you feel comfortable doing that naked?  Again, lots of towels available.  Stacks of them.  It’s like Bed Bath and Beyonds towel dept in there.  Grab one.

So this evening I walked in the gym.  I arrived right from work so I had a bag with my change of clothes and shoes.  While in the locker room before and after my workout I saw 4 things that are without explanation.  They are as follows:

1.  Naked guy standing at a urinal taking a leak.  I mean, seriously?  I almost laughed when I came around the corner and saw it.  I’m glad you had flip-flops on so you were not standing in dribbled urine, but still.  Unacceptable.

2.  There is a long row of sinks and mirrors in there.  Probably 50 sinks.  This runs the length of the locker room.  At about every other sink they put out hand towels, soap, and a hair dryer.  Old guy, using the hair dryer….not drying his head hair.  Old guy made this an all over body dryer.  Right in the middle of the place.  Naked.  Unacceptable.

3.  Two old guys standing next to each other at said sink/mirror station.  Both naked.  Did I mention this is especially disturbing because now wherever I look there is a reflection of old balls?  These 2 guys were flossing.  Flossing?  I’m not much of a flosser.  I know I should, I have just never been consistent with it as part of my mouth care.  Unless I have something stuck in my teeth I usually don’t think about it too much.  Were these naked old guys eating popcorn while running on the treadmill?  Did they carb up with an Everything Bagel on the way to the gym?  Naked flossing at the gym.  Unacceptable.  

4.  Naked old guy right next to me…naked the whole time.  I finished my workout and went back in the locker room.  Old naked guy sitting there on the bench near my locker.  I grabbed my stuff and took a shower.  Came back and old naked guy still naked now standing there rummaging through his stuff.  Got dressed and packed up.  Old naked guy still there…still naked.  Dude, pick up the pace and put some clothes on.

Maybe he was looking for his floss.  I don’t know.

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Presenting The Top 7 Things I Learned at Disney World

  1. I am incapable of walking slowly.  Even when I have no time constraints or scheduling obstacles to overcome, I can’t do it.  Going somewhere on foot with children and old people is painful for me.              
  2. In the spirit of #1, I am excellent at weaving my way through a crowd.  Perhaps it was my years of working at crowded bars/clubs while in my 20’s.  It is like I am Baryshnikov and William “The Refrigerator” Perry rolled into one large, nimble package.  I’m pretty sure you could put me on one side of Main St and Usain Bolt on the other side and if we raced on a Saturday afternoon from the Disney entrance to the Castle… I would win.  I’d even do it pushing a double stroller.  Seriously, I’m like five moves ahead of everyone walking. 
  3. If you ever want to feel better about your body type, go visit Disney World.  After a few hours in the park, I never felt more gorgeous.  I mean, I think I now truly know how my beautiful wife must have felt on our wedding day.  Make no mistake, I’m not pretty.  I’m sure in the same way I made other people feel the way that I felt and I’m okay with that.  But damn, I look good.
  4. The fanny pack IS NOT DEAD.  I thought it was, but boy was I wrong.  It is alive and well living it up in Orlando, Florida. 
  5. There are a lot of bad tattoos out there.  I couldn’t keep my eyes off some of them.  And I know Jesus is not happy with many of them, specifically most of the ones of his likeness. 
  6. Parenting styles differ.  I saw everything from yelling to threatening to leave a kid who was crying right where he was.  And if you didn’t know, Disney World is really crowded.  If your child is more than 10 feet away from you it is possible you may not see them again without the help of park staff and an amber alert.  My favorite parenting display was on a shuttle bus from Hollywood Studios to the hotel.  It was hot, real hot.  This guy about my age is standing in front of me on the bus (no seats were left).  Suddenly he looks past me and says, “Hey thug life…why don’t you put your t-shirt back on.  Who are you trying to impress?”  No smile, slightly menacing tone.  I turned to see how this was going to go down and decide if I was going to intervene when I realized he was talking to his son.  This kid was maybe 5 years old.  All at once I was relieved, amused, confused, and dumbfounded.
  7. If you have a kid, take him or her to Disney World.  I was a hater…not really looking forward to this trip.  But it really is a cool place.  My wife correctly labeled it Vegas for families.  After a few days you can really get into it.  Watching the excitement in my daughter’s eyes as she found out she was tall enough to ride Splash Mountain made the whole trip.  She was all smiles throughout the ride. 
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